Tales from the Clinic

Tales from the Clinic — 1

Where do ideas come from?  

Tales from the Clinic — 2

I had the notion that I would use my convalescence to finish the novel I’m writing (or was writing before I had my accident). After all, I spend the best part of twenty-four hours either in bed (I go to bed at 8pm and get up at 9am or thereabouts) or in my…

Tales from the Clinic — 3

Madame Coquette’s lipstick is always meticulously applied. Her eyebrows are boldly defined with black pencil. She dresses with care. She wears a little scarf – a different one each day – artfully tied, exactly matching a colour in her blouse or jacket. She is tall. Even using “cannes anglaises” (crutches)…

Tales from the Clinic — 4

I first heard about Monsieur Seducteur from Madame C. She had been playing La Belote (a popular card game in France) with M. Lechasseur, M. Leportugais and M. Seducteur. The latter talked a great deal about his love life. He said he’d had two wives and eight lovers. He was currently in…

Tales from the Clinic — 5

Before Madame Fantasque came to sit at our table – joining Madame Gabon, Madame Portu and me – Madame Gabon said, “She’s always changing tables.” Madame Fantasque had been in the clinic a long time. I thought it unsurprising she wanted different dining companions from time to time. I had noticed her…

Tales from the Clinic — 6

I have a system for learning new words in French. I cut paper into small squares.  When I come across a new word or phrase, I write the French on one side of the paper and the English on the other. I keep these bits of paper in a dish…

Tales from the Clinic — 7

Monsieur Morose doesn’t smile often. “He’s always complaining,” says one of his table companions. “He won’t play cards with us because he says I always win,” says Monsieur Lechasseur. “He lives with his mother,” says Madame Coquette. “When she comes to see him, he sits and holds her hand.” I pass…

Tales from the Clinic — 8

Monsieur Morose sees me at my computer in the salon and offers me a coffee from the vending machine. I like the coffee from the machine. It’s much better than any other coffee I’ve tasted from a vending machine. It’s much better than the coffee we get at breakfast time…

Tales from the Clinic — 9

Tales from the Clinic — 10

Mademoiselle Jolie is considerably younger than most patients (she reduced the average age by at least ten years when she arrived). She’s in her mid-twenties while the rest of us, with a few exceptions, are over 50 and the majority are over 60. She’s had a hip replacement – a long…

Tales from the Clinic — 11

I was making my way along one of the corridors in the Clinic with my Rollator (a whizzier variation of a deambulateur)  when a voice called out in French “Good to see you on your feet at last!” I glanced through the open door of one of the rooms and…

Tales from the Clinic — 12

Madame Serieuse, a nurse administrator – she’s always hurrying about with an armful of dossiers – lectured us on the importance of hand washing. She delivered the lecture again in the afternoon to four of us – two patients and two guests – who were playing bridge in the salon.…

Tales from the Clinic — 13

Madame Gentille is going home with her new hip. She’s 84 and lives alone in the countryside, not far from the Dordogne river. She tells me she is longing to get back to her house and garden. She doesn’t mind living alone. Her daughter lives nearby and keeps an eye…

Tales from the Clinic — 14

I’m playing La Belote with Monsieur Legrand, Madame Suffisante and a man whose name I don’t yet know. I’ve just taken over an already dealt hand from Monsieur Charme who is here with his wife to visit her mother. He usually nips out of the room for a round or…

Tales from the Clinic — 15

Monsieur Papillon like to philosophise. He talks earnestly about the connections between the mind and the body. He plays with words. Shortly after I meet him for the first time, he muses aloud about the words for a tumour in the breast – “tumeur mammaire” – how they sound the…

Tales from the Clinic — 16

Monsieur Angoisse is a natural worrier. He worries about the French economy. There are too many unemployed, too many people working for the state, too many regulations, not to mention the penalties for asking employees to work longer than the statutory 35 hour week. “How can anyone start a business?” he…

Tales from the Clinic — 17

I leave the clinic, but I go back for physiotherapy before leaving Bordeaux to return home. On my way to the Salle de Kine, I walk past the dining room. Monsieur Capable waves and smiles. I walk past the salon. Madame Suffisante, Monsieur Plaisant and two others are playing La…

Tales from the Clinic — 18

Mademoiselle Jolie (Tale 10) leaves the clinic one week after me. We have arranged to meet in the centre of Bordeaux to drink mojitos and say goodbye before I go back to England. Monsieur Bonhomme is coming as well. He is collecting Mademoiselle Jolie from her apartment and will bring her…